


and if i couldn't walk, i'd crawl to you

by moonkisses



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, and help me fight jyp, cos fuck capitalism, fight me, lapslock, minho & felix & sk as a whole deserve better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 09:06:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12932052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonkisses/pseuds/moonkisses
Summary: in the end, felix does get the affection he's always wanted from changbin. just not under the circumstances he would have wanted.





	and if i couldn't walk, i'd crawl to you

**Author's Note:**

> this is hella rushed and messy and ???? shitty in general i'm sorry i'm just rly sad and mad and smad and i wanna write about it and i love felix so much what the actual hell please help me my heart cannot take this pain but like really what even is the ending what even is this fic

in the end, felix does get the affection he wants from changbin. just not under the circumstances he would have wanted it to be.

he shouldn't have had yearned from it in the first place. he still isn’t sure how he’d become so… _taken_ with the other boy. that was the problem with falling in love – it’s like diving into shallow waters and only realising how deep it truly is once you’re drowning.

felix knows changbin’s fondness for ‘dark images.’ he knows he doesn’t like being overly affectionate because of said image. he also knows how the other boy sleeps with his precious soft toy named gyu, and how he’s actually softer than he lets the cameras see. he’s seen him shoot random aegyo at the members, seen him allow them to initiate skinship with him and reciprocate the actions. he’s seen him being clingy towards other members, which is why it hurts him even more when changbin brushes him off, cameras be damned.

 

when felix pulls out the _kiss_ dare and minho curls into himself, silent laughter shaking his shoulders as he covers his mouth, changbin stares at the youngest in the trio, the cogs in his brain barely working. he’s frozen, eyes stuck on felix, whose eyes blink as he gazes back at his hyung, his expression unreadable and his lips parted slightly, wanting to say something but not quite knowing what it is, exactly.

changbin makes a quick work of he dare, hands holding felix, lips pressing against felix’s skin while minho cheers in the background, giggling. it’s brief, barely a second or maybe two, but it lasts enough for felix to hear a hitch in changbin’s breathing before they shove themselves apart, screaming and flinging themselves to the ground.

changbin can’t quite meet felix’s eyes after that, but neither could he. he settles back beside minho and lets him gather him in his arms while he tries to calm his heart down.

(it was a dare and nothing more, but that doesn’t seem to do anything but make everything hurt more.)

 

when minho gets eliminated, felix can feel his world begin to pull rapart at the fraying seams, unspooling into a soon unfixable mess.

he doesn’t ( _can’t_ ) try to stop himself from crying when the tears start welling up in his eyes, falling in thick, hot drops, dripping down his cheeks as he chokes on his words, gladly accepting the tissue that minho sort of shoves into his face. he wants to say something, _anything_ , for his hyung, but a single look at minho brings him to tears once again.

he turns away, breathes deeply as if it would calm him down. instead, he sees changbin, mouth shut and eyes dry, and his mouth twists into a frown. changbin meets his eyes, his probably red and swollen eyes, and something dark flashes in the older’s eyes. felix wants nothing more than to have the older comfort him, but then changbin turns and walks away, and felix is left to pick himself up piece by piece.

 

felix’s mind blanks out and there goes a second, two, three before he decides to just _screw it_ and brings his hands up to his head and lets out an embarrassingly weird-sounding ‘ _meow_ ,’ immediately jerking away from the camera and throwing himself against the wall. he faces away from them for a moment before more yelling catches his attention and he’s turning back to the others to see changbin generously giving the fans his incredibly cringey aegyo. everyone screams and felix joins in with his own raucous laughter.

before he can think about it, he’s throwing his arms around changbin and yelling something incoherent while the two of them thrash around (he later realises it’s ‘changbin hyung is mine’). he’s regretting it instantly, feeling changbin squirming in his hold, arms stuck to his sides and refusing to return the gesture, so he pulls away and goes back to his place with the other 00 liners, refusing to look in changbin’s direction longer than necessary.

when woojin comments something about them – something about another kiss, he thinks – felix manages to catch himself in time and laughs it off loudly. in the corner of his eyes, he catches changbin’s peeved expression. his heart clenches in his chest, but that’s alright – he’s gotten used to it.

 

the cameras are rolling, focused on him, on his face, all red and crumpled and ugly. the ceo and the crew watches as the whole group breaks down into tears after losing a member two too many times. felix leans against the wall, feeling light headed, as if he would fall endlessly if he didn’t hold onto something.

 _eliminated_. he’s been eliminated.

was this how minho felt? did he feel every single thread against his heart as it pulled itself out, pulling his whole world apart? felix wonders how minho got through endless nights like this, feeling empty and useless. hollow. feeling like _nothing_.

chan’s telling him something, and felix nods at his leader, admiring the way he still manages to muster up enough strength to be there for his members even now – to be there for _him_. for felix.

he’s hiccuping as the members pull him into their arms, chest heaving and eyes unbelievably wet. he didn’t even know he still had tears to shed after minho, but here he was again, in a state even worse than before.

inevitably, his eyes find changbin, who’s crouched down on the floor, hands covering his face. he doesn’t know what he’s thinking as he takes one step, another, another, and another towards the rapper, once again pulled towards him like he's always been. he’s been rejected almost all the times before, definitely hurt every single time, so he doesn’t know what makes him think he can handle another rejection in this state of his.

but then changbin’s fingers are grasping at his back as he gathers changbin in his arms, his head buried in his jacket. felix has no time to register his shock before he starts crying again, with changbin himself shaking and crying in his arms. he’s sobbing, and _god_ it hurts felix’s heart even more, and he can’t help but whimper as their arms wound around each other tighter, as if one would disappear if they didn’t, as if they were each other’s anchors. changbin’s saying something into his clothes, muffled, while felix gasps for breath, eyes burning dry at how much he’s crying.

it’s funny, he thinks, how he’s only getting this hug from changbin that he’s been chasing for so long now that he’s leaving

“sorry,” he hears changbin sob, “hyung is sorry.”

“why are you sorry?” he hears himself asking, voice deep and scratchy. changbin doesn’t say anything else, so felix brings himself to look into his hyung’s eyes, and what’s left of his heart crumbles apart.

_i’m sorry. sorry sorry i’m so sorry._

the words keep playing in his head so much, and he doesn’t know whose voice he’s hearing anymore. he keeps seeing changbin’s eyes in his mind, puffy and bloodshot and filled with a mix of emotions – frustration, sorrow, regret, and, maybe, amongst all the pain – there, the affection he was seeking all along.

funny. fate really did have a twisted sense of humour.

**Author's Note:**

> first of all i wanna fight jyp. second of all i love these boys so much what the fuck fight me jyp. lastly please stop me from writing even shittier fics i'm sleep deprived and i hv to get up at 3 am later and i'm STILL crying over stray kids o hmynfucking GOD if u made it through this fic i congratulate u you now have to right to deck me
> 
> title taken from a line in crooked kingdom by leigh bardugo thats some gr8 shit right there pls read it
> 
>  
> 
> [yell with me pls](http://twitter.com/allforseungmin)


End file.
